UNC Sports: Awkward Time Blues

At Keeping It Heel, I often feel like we must be the torch bearers of enthusiasm to our dedicated readership. This is important. It’s up to us to lead the charge of excitement and be the ones who beat the drums the loudest, first. However, it’s equally important to be honest and forthcoming in moments like these. I’m laying down my drums and bullhorn. I’m going to be present in this moment with you, our readers and I’ve come to say one thing: This time of year sucks for UNC fans. Have no fear, though. I’ve come up with some good time wasters for you to mull over while you sip Straw-Berr-Ita’s out of a crazy straw, poolside.

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Time Waster #1: What football position would Michael Jordan have played at UNC?

At 6’6’’, lean with an incredible jumping ability, MJ would have been spot on for a wide receiver in most people’s eyes. This is a mistake. He’s a natural cornerback. Many forget that Jordan was a beast on the defensive end of the court. Michael was one of only four players to be defensive player of the year the same year he was MVP of the league. He was nine times all-defensive first team.

You know what those statistics mean? It means he outworked everyone else. Offensive production is a mixture of talent and hard work. Defense is 99% hard work. Jordan would have been better known as “MJ island” if he was in shoulder pads and a helmet.

Time Waster #2: Does Bryn Renner’s “Lawnmower Dance” outshine Danny Green’s pre-game moves?

Every true Tar Heel fans remembers Danny Green pre-game dances on the sidelines of Chapel Hill before tip offs. As a man with incredible dance moves myself, I respected that. He was serving suckas. It added some hot sauce to an otherwise mundane gap between player announcements and tip-off.

But does it outshine Bryn Renner’s lawnmower dance? The Tar Heel quarterback has taken this touchdown celebration to a science over the past season. I’ve seen a video where he even breaks down the dance. Renner should be wearing goggles and lab coat the way he’s researched this. The man’s a mad scientist. He even goes so far as to make sure he pushes the invisible lawnmower down on the back wheels so it spins properly when he cuts the grass going the other way, post-celebration.

Which one wins out? Green added some spice to the mix in very otherwise boring moments. Renner took time to celebrate properly after his touchdowns. They were both strong, but I have to give a slight edge to Bryn on this one. The fact that he researched the right lawn-mower-dance procedure really pushes him over the edge.

Time Waster #3: Would you rather party with Rasheed Wallace or John Belushi?

This is a tough one. You know ‘Sheed would be that loud funny guy at a party and Belushi would be spinning circles in a Toga. I’d like to have Wallace more on my beer pong team, even though he’d probably find a way to get a technical. I’d rather have John Belushi at every party they sing “Shout” at.

So far, this has got to be the toughest one. I think the greatest way we could solve this would be to have ‘Sheed show up in a COLLEGE sweater and Belushi rock the headband. That’d be one party every UNC fan would have to attend.