Keeping It Heel
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The Cubs Vs. The Cardinals Is The Best Rivalry in Baseball

By Monica Biddix

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It’s 262 days until the greatest rivalry in baseball rekindles as the Cubbies of Chicago take on the Red Birds of St. Louis. And I just can’t wait. Think about all the history and all the legends. The Wizard of Oz! The Hawk! Whether they play in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field or the magnificence of Busch Stadium, it will surely be a battle of the titans. We are talking 13 World Series titles and 34 National League Pennants between the two. Man, do you remember those heated pennant races from back in 1989 and 2003? Those were CLASSIC! The best there ever was or ever has been! Forget the Democrats and Republicans, the only reds and blues that matter in this country lie along I-55.

(snap snap)

I’m awake! I’m awake! What? I was talking nonsense in my sleep again? I said that the Chicago Cubs vs. the St. Louis Cardinals was the best rivalry in baseball? Wait . . . the Yankees and Red Sox still play each other right? I thought so. I don’t understand why I would have said such a silly . . . hold on. I think I know what happened. I was drinking with those boys from ESPN again. Around this time of year they get bored and start drinking heavy amounts of Kentucky bourbon. They must have slipped me some when I wasn’t looking. That stuff is strong! I remember one time they were on a real bender and tried to tell me that Louisville/Kentucky was the best rivalry in college basketball. I almost had them committed. Now, what was that last tweet?

OK, that’s enough satire. I may have spent a lot of time in Charleston, but Stephen Colbert I am not. Friday afternoon I read the following tweet from ESPN Home Court, “#Kentucky vs. #Lousiville… Is it the best rivalry in college basketball? (Let’s hear it #Duke and #UNC fans)” First of all, it is beneath both UNC and Duke fans to respond to such a ridiculous question. I’m not going to waste my time arguing why UNC/Duke is the greatest basketball rivalry and in my opinion the best rivalry in all of sports. That would mean there was actually some sort of dispute. What I will do is give both the boys at ESPN as well as Kentucky and Louisville the criteria they need to meet before I, a UNC Alum, will even entertain such a nonsensical argument.

Once all of the following have been met, maybe, just maybe I will have this discussion. Until then, you guys at ESPN Home Court put down the Wild Turkey, sit tight and relax. The main event in Chapel Hill is only 38 days away.

#1-Play in the same Conference. It’s very hard to have a heated rivalry when it has no bearing on the regular season or tournament conference title.

#2-Hire Head Coaches that aren’t whores. There is not a loyal bone in Calipari’s or Pitino’s respective bodies. And they both came back from the NBA with their tails between their legs. Make sure someone at the helm actually has a vested interest in winning other than the almighty dollar.

#3-Make sure your graduates actually move out of the Commonwealth. I met a total of three UK fans while living in Charleston. I have yet to meet a Louisville fan, and I have lived in four different states, including neighboring Tennessee. I seriously doubt there was a sea of red and blue in bars all across the country yesterday.

#4 Games result in bloodshed, and it’s far from the first time it has happened. Don’t talk to me unless your star players have had stitches during the game or left the court with a broken nose.

#5 When HBO makes a documentary called, Battle of the Bluegrass. THEN . . . you can give me a call.

You folks in Kentucky, stick to what you know: bourbon, bluegrass and betting on horses. Down here in North Carolina, we’ve got the basketball rivalry thing  covered.

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